My Slightly More Great One

He is seriously my favourite person

The Most fun

Works hard for our family 

And wins battles no one would see

 Loves me extravagantly 

He thinks long term 

And Big

Sweetly thoughtful

Always

He's a healing constant for me

When everything won't stop changing

He has the determination of no one I have ever seen

Everything is  Slightly more great when shared with him

A Really good friend

Gives me space to be creative and scattered

Watching his Heart grow bigger is my favourite

I actually believe that he can do anything

He is by far 

My Greatest gift

Ponder That Christina

I am a 

Gift 

A Treasure

Ponder that 

Christina

Like really 

Ponder

As much as I would Tresure a little one 

Adore 

Cherish 

Delight in 

So am I to God

All my feelings aside 

So am I to God 

Deep identity work happening in this 

Heart

Heart....... I'm On The Search

What Do I Want?

I thought about this question all day yesterday

Yet could not write

Or seem to search deep enough to hear my Heart speak truthfully

I feel the pressure with this one

Pressure to have some sort of sacrificial answer 

For what I Want

Answers like,  "I Want the world saved"

Or, "I Want everyone to have enough food to eat"

And

Although these things have a place in my Heart and thoughts

They are not the Wants that drive me everyday

My Heart finally did get a chance to be heard

Late last night

And I can't honestly say that I want to shout my answer from the rooftops

See

Last night was date night

Trev and I have had a really busy week

Like hi and bye and quick I love yous as we pass each other at the door, Kind of week

Needless to say I was Really looking forward to date night

And probably for alot of selfish reasons

I was lonely, my Love tank was empty

I wanted to hold the attention of my husbands mind for one night

Hear that I'm Beautiful

Have this Amazing connecting time..........

I felt the need to have our one night alone together 

To be Perfect and filling

What?

Expectations too high??

Ya, Trev felt the pressure I think

Our "Perfect Night" started and ended with me in tears

Because of my own perfectionism and fears

Anything Trev did or could have planned would not be enough

 Trevor, is once again left

Wondering what the heck was happening?

I decided to go on a walk to take a break from my emotions

As I was strolling by the lake

Trying real hard to breath deeply and calm the heck down!

Talk some sense into my irrational mind

I heard the question come up in my Heart again

What Do I Want?

Deep Deep Deep Down

What do you want Christina?

What drives you?

What Motivates you?

What fills you?

And all of a sudden

Reflecting on the nights "disappointing" events

My Hearts whisper began to become loud and clear to me

I Want Love

I Want to be the Object of Someones Delight

I Want to be a priority

I Want to be Beautiful

And Captivating

God, this is true isn't it

These are longings of my Heart that drive me

They are the purpose for so much that I do

They are the source of my greatest insecurity

These Wants

Have driven me to Your arms

Have caused me to run into the arms of another when Your voice seems silent

These Wants

Have prompted me to strive to please... Everyone!

Anyone who would find me worthy of Love and Delight 

In the inner-most part of Christina 

I have learned from a series of life experiences that I am 

Not

So Lovable

I am no one worthy of noticing

Just me, with no effort or striving is not so Beautiful

Not any ones priority and easily forgotten

Deep Deep insecurity

Sought to be hidden by

A spotless house........ when people come over

(Don't ever just show up at my door unexpected... I would freak!)

Hiding the mess and chaos of my life, stuffed into drawers and spare rooms

Hours in front of the mirror, both tearful and prideful 

Endless efforts to sculpt an acceptable body

A closet full of the latest fashions

Promising to get me "noticed"

Striving to be a great friend

"Being There" for anyone who needs me 

Schedules filled trying make everyone Like and Love me

making sure as to not disappoint even one

A perfect wife

Christian

Leader

Example as a woman

My past has scripted 

That when I fall short of my standard of perfection in one of these areas

Threatening someone seeing the real, imperfect, unlovable me

The impending doom of rejection

I have been so harsh with myself

Harbouring so much unforgiveness for not measuring up

I have starved myself

Abused my body and soul through binging and purging

I have spent many sleepless nights and many restless days

Reading, studying, learning

Trying and Trying to improve, fix and cover

This Mistake that I feel so strongly that I am 

All this

Because I Want to be Loved

All this 

Because I don't Believe I ever could be Just for who I am

See

I wanted my answer to this question 

What Do I Want?

To be a bit more admirable

Something that would scream 

Good Person 

or 

Inspiration

Instead, my answer is somewhat selfish 

And exposes a deep broken part of me 

Which has been a mislead motive for so much of my life choices

Oh, do I ever want these questions to be answered

Solidified by God's truth 

I Want so badly to Rest in the unshakablness of His answers

To my greatest needs 

I would like Nothing more than to be so secure in His Delight for me

That my eyes merely glance at myself, and are fixated on a world of adventure 

I know God is leading me on this path to Wholeness

Rooted and Grounded in His Love

It does take me allowing Him to expose these lies I believe on such a foundational level

And welcoming His Truth to come and Heal my Heart

When my basic Wants for Love are settled in Truth

My Wants seem to change

I Want community 

Family

To gather with an army of Women and oppose the darkness

I Want to laugh

To Create

To Love other young girls and speak into their Hearts

Tell them they are Beautiful 

And Worthy of So much Love

I Want to Give

To encourage

To Bless

I Want to see the world with Trevor

Have Fun with him on crazy adventures

I Want to experience God

Walk out his Heartbeat

Stay in His arms day and night

I Want to hear His voice

Live in His presence

Do life with His people

I Want to see his word come to life all around me

I Want to share absolutely every ounce of life I experience

 With 

Absolutely everyone

I Want our Hearts and our home to be filled with children 

Who ache for God's Love expressed through a Daddy and Mama

Ha ha

I have alot of Wants

I have alot of areas of growth still 

I have some cracks in my foundation

Some fears

Questions

Dreams

Tender parts of my Heart

I also have a Really Big Dad

Who began a good work in me

And will carry it out to completion

His Love is the only solidness I stand on

All This Truth Like Rain

I wake at 4 am this morning

Brew a pot of coffee

Sit out on my front porch in the darkness

Wrapped in a blanket

Listening to the rain pouring

I Love this 

I Love the quiet

I Love the smell of fresh rain air

I Love the stillness of the morning 

The silence before the days business begins

I can't help but think of the verse that talks about the rain that falls from Heaven

Making the earth bud and flourish

I watch our trees getting soaked

Branches glimmering under the glow of the street lights

So is the word of God that goes forth from His mouth

It will not return to Him void

But will accomplish what He intended

See, it has been a hard season for Trev and I

This past year
You may be able to say the same about your own life

It has seemed to be one trying thing after another

After another 

We are tired and weary

Not needing life to be easy.....

Just not so hard

The word of God begins to bubble up in my parched Heart

Promises for Trev and I 
And you too!

Rain from Heaven

We are Loved

Children of God

Blessed and Highly Favoured 

Protected

Seen

Provided For

Father, You are our Strength 

Your Joy is arising in the morning of our lives

Your rain causing Growth and Beauty

From ashes

You are our Shepherd

Leading and Guiding us

You are With us

You give us Rest 

Everything we put our hand to Prospers

Our roots are growing down deep in Your Love

Your Love is shed abroad in our Hearts

We have Wisdom and Revelation in who You are 

You place us in a Family

Community and Belonging is our portion

You give us Strength in Numbers

Mothers and Fathers 

Children 

You Provide our needs 

You Care for us 

You surround us with Your Peace 

Your Comfort 

Your Grace 

You fill our Hearts and our Home with Your Presence 

You Heal our bodies, minds and souls

You Restore our lives 

Redeem and Repair 

You give us Honour 

A Double Portion for our shame 

You Bless our food and water and take sickness away from us

We are Righteous and Holy 

We have the Mind of Christ 

The Creativity and Life of Heaven rests on us 

We are absolutely and completely Secure in Your Love for us 

Adopted 

Accepted

Loved Loved Loved 

Beyond measure 

You are with us 

Always 

All this Truth 

Like rain

Downpourring over our lives and our home right now
Soaking into the soil of our Hearts

God, it will not return to You void

Your word and promises will bring life and fruit to us here on Earth 

Thank you for Your word

And Moments like this 

Where Everyone Else Seems To Be...... Except Me

When I'm not sure if all these crazy dreams in my Heart could possibly find a home 

When I get discouraged looking at where I am 

Where I so desperately want to be

Where Everyone else seems to be
Except me....... Sheesh!

When what is in front of me

Seems more than I can even face

Let alone tackle and move past

When my vision is big

But my presence is still so small

When I don't know where to start
All this is like a dimly lit corn maze in front of me
I wish I had the map
...... and a flood light!

When my focus is here today
And

Loooong gone tomorrow

When my head is constantly in the clouds and I'm needing to fly

But life is pulling my attention to this yellow and brown grassed ground

In all this
I am learning to let my Heart  say
.... Sometimes Yell
Or Cry out
Or dance out in front of my picture window that I keep forgetting to close the blinds on
(Ya... I'm that neighbor!)

God, I trust You
You Love me
You will fulfil Your purpose for me
You will work this all out for my good 
You give me the very desires that You placed in my Heart when You gave me life
I look up right now, Dad
For Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your eyes see what I cannot
You are good
You are here
I belong to You 
I give this all into Your hands and take a massive deep breath